Misc. (Newsletter No. 24)

All the therapy I ever need I get from memes

I want pantsuits like pajamas, dresses like nightgowns, coats like bathrobes
The Blink Gym I've been going to is sandwiched between a Shake Shack and Just Salad

Have to work against the default to type in lowercase these days-- a conscious effort to humble the self that inadvertently becomes self-involved?

Do they look old to you or are you just out of touch with what your own hands look like

It's not an article, it's a blog post #classism or maybe we’ll just meet in the middle and call it an essay

This is how you write a late night talk show joke.  Reference Dr. Seuss every time you make a rhyme. Example: "Blah blah blah, blah blah, blah blah. What is this, a Dr. Seuss book?"

Nothing says put all your dreams of greatness on your child like a Chinese son named Wolfgang

Is it really worth it to be a depressed snob

Dentist visits are my version of a manicure--relaxing in an ergonomic chair with no responsibilities for 30 minutes while someone else polishes my nubs

Crowd-sourced speculation

According to everything, long hair is for pregnant mothers, short hair is for moms and breakups

Artists want to be god they want to be the wizard of oz but they're really the man behind the curtain but what's the difference

Washing machines and and ovens with clear windows are like TVs, you probably lose brain cells also when you sit too close to them. How come dishwashers rarely have clear windows does no one have to check on how their plates are doing, those poor neglected children.

Another part of growing up was truly realizing that all yoga instructors are crazy

You can resent someone and still admire them and crave their approval and mourn their downfall

Inventions that would make my life more enjoyable: acupressure backpack, tooth cleansing oil, antimicrobial closet

You don't love yourself you're obsessed with yourself and hate yourself

Does the piano sound hot or cold

Referring to yourself as 'feisty' is a recipe for avoiding self-awareness and personal development

Anyone else think sunflower seeds taste like a car smells ew

Mom reading headline: do u know jay-z -- jay-z is the first billionaire rapper
Me completely unironically: oh yeah he's that guy who's beyonce's husband

Ur ‘most recently used emojis’ are like ur dreams it’s very hard to find someone as interested in the autobiographical symbolism as you are…maybe if you paid them

Did a strongly worded t-shirt ever change anybody's mind

Is femininity equivalent to femaleness, or is it a paternalistic invention, supercharged by capitalism, a junk food drug harmful when ingested irresponsibility regardless of gender. Vanity, dainty and demureness, makeup, Spanx, shaved body hair…

The percussion of ice clinks

How often do you think of a straight guy when you hear phrases like, I got a pint of salted caramel ice cream as a reward to myself even though it's Tuesday!, I took myself on a date to the movies, #selfcare, I just got engaged. But why? Is it cuz they’re too afraid of being emasculated or are these all products of crap they sell.

Remember when everyone was like FUCK YOU 2016

That horrible purgatory where your knockoff phone charger barely works but works just enough for you to feel like a guilty child of immigrants for considering throwing it out

Eve was carved from Adam Women are shaved, tweezed, makeup-ed, push-up bra-ed, de-muscled apart from their original manly form

Doen has a real Virgin Mary aesthetic going on, women as dainty as their 8 year olds, pregnant women with otherwise the bodies of teenagers, wearing Maryjanes and overalls... SOME PHOTOS THEY'RE LEGIT HOLDING LAMBS what creeps me out is that I like what they're selling

There's legal killing and illegal killing

The antidote to art is anonymity

Omg I love cannolis so much thinking about it makes me so happy and anxious

I was in a situation where I met a really famous or important person and I had no idea what to say I felt so awkward but what I blurted out was accidentally effortlessly charming and witty and impressive because I'm not that kinda girl

U know ur pmsing when you get panic-attack sad thinking about that lonely pig in Charlotte’s Web who’s best friend was a spider that couldn’t hug him

What's the point of a fancy resort if it only looks impressive from drone view but you only get womb view

Hufflepuff is normcore

I’m not everybody’s cup of tea but I’m definitely someone’s bottle of freshly squeezed urine

It's a wonder slugs aren't extinct

Remember when i used to cry from bee stings paper cuts and sand in the eye

People are so annoying when you don't like them

What if all hand waves were just unanswered high fives

Remember when kaleidoscopes were amazing

One day we'll have world peace and we'll know because the only time you would use the anger emoji is when someone texts you a bad joke.

(things originally posted on Twitter)